For those of
us who have been married a while, we would benefit from booster shots of
learning how to communicate better, nurture more intently, and problem
solve.
Dr. Kelly
Simpson, a nationally recognized psychologist and marriage therapist,
expressed to me from her Dallas-based Active Relationships Center (www.activerelationships.com)
the need for the public to think that it’s okay to get marriage help.
“The public
is resistant in obtaining communications skills,” says Dr. Simpson.
“Goals are extraordinarily important yet it is very common not to talk
about goals in a marriage.”
She told me
that most people get married and think they can sit back and coast.
“You can’t do that,” says Dr. Simpson.
Using an
employment analogy, frequent Lecturer Dr. Simpson says that most people go
into new jobs knowing that they’ll have to work around constant issues,
obtain ongoing training, and be proactive with communication and projects.
Yet,
marriage maintenance is, in reality, often not even considered as
important as employment.
When people
get married, they think that something as significant as spending the rest
of one’s life with a soul mate doesn’t even require a one-month plan.
The
author of
The Art of Staying Together,
Psychologist Dr. Michael Broder, says “there’s a whole romanticized notion
that you don’t have to put energy into marriages.”
“I
call it the MGM fantasy,” says Dr. Broder from his Philadelphia office.
“You never saw Gene Kelly and Judy Garland sit down and talk about marital
goals. You just made assumptions.”
“And
sometime we’re going to build a little home for two, or three, or four, or
more, in Loveland…,” sings Judy Garland in the 1942 musical “For Me And My
Gal.”
Dr.
Broder says the very fact that a couple would think about making goals is
a good sign.
You
can make goals about children, sex, where you’ll live, your house,
financial things, careers, and how family issues are handled. The
list can include whatever needs to be discussed.
Without needing a contract or a written plan, most of the time all it
takes to start up working on things together is a listening ear and an
understanding heart.
Goals can be a verbal nod that you both agree and are dedicated to making
changes.
Take
turns hearing out each other’s issues, dreams, and goals.
Set
aside time each week to give your undivided attention to each other.
Consider learning new communication skills.
The
more you’re in tune with each other’s needs, personal goals, and mutual
aspirations, the more you will tend to accomplish them together.
Make
marital goals part of your path toward balanced living.
Terra
Wellington
is a
national authority on creating a wellness lifestyle.
www.terrawellington.com
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Wellington
